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Today was a beautiful day and what I've been dreaming of but it was not one of my better days. You'd think being able to stretch in the sunshine, watch the fish swimming in the lake, and sit on the deck with a cup of tea, that life would just feel so rosy. I had a lot on my mind today and sometimes when I feel my happiest I also feel my saddest. We as humans are constantly trying to satisfy that inner desire of our hearts. Our desires are to be happy not just some of the time but all the time. We tend to be a little selfish.
But alas sometimes there are things in life that hit us like a hammer and we realize that happiness is of little value unless we can share it. I've learned over the years that we are not to be about self, but still, we want what we want. Today I wanted so to share my happiness but the person I wished to share with is no longer here. Many of us have loved ones that, if we could reach out just one more time and touch them or smile at them, we would be so happy, but that will never happen. So where does that leave us? Do we spend the rest of our days feeling the unending sadness that comes with loss or do we suck it up, dig deep and find a way to share who we are with another. I sat and pondered that question today. When you reach the point I am, at least this is where I'm at personally, you desire to move forward and you get that feeling that there's a light at the end of the tunnel but loss is constantly trying to draw you back into a dark place.
I've been thinking and I'm not sure I know the answer to how my heart will feel this time next year, if and when it will heal, or if it will ever heal completely; but I have a feeling that time will drive me forward and that I'll realize happiness will come again when I give of myself to someone else.
Somehow, today was just one of those introspective days where I remembered and was sad and I will probably have more of those days to come. There were just way to many thoughts and ideas running rampant through this brain of mine.
There is an old gospel song entitled, "Joy Comes In The Morning". I think the "morning" is when you awake to all the happiness you still feel on this earth with the knowledge that only God is allowing you to share it . . . AND . . . when you wake up and not just decide but want to share it with someone else.